Let’s take a stroll down the cobblestone road of sexual harassment in 6″ stilettos – and, yes, you will feel like a drunken baby giraffe with daddy issues. Careful of the man-shaped potholes too babe, they’ll break an ankle and your spirit. Oh! And be sure to pack your childhood trauma but dress it up like anger, anxiety, and alcohol abuse so you blend in. And if they start asking questions, make ’em laugh. At you. With you. Doesn’t matter.
This seems to be one of the only ways to make it through a day of enduring the gross male behavior that plagues our society – make them laugh and make yourself so small they don’t notice you. I would love to tell you that if you follow the rules (both written and assumed), you will feel safe from the catcalling, the unsolicited advances, and the insidiousness of sexual violence that so often goes unchecked, but we both know it’s not enough. Women have been staying small to varying degrees for centuries and while there is absolutely measurable progress, shit is still really fucked up.
It’s enough to make you feel like you’re walking a tightrope, balancing your self-worth with the opinions of others, trying like hell to form an original thought of your own and not slip and fall right into the void of depression that waits below. We grasp at the air trying to find something (or someone) stable, something that will validate and elevate our experiences, maybe even give us a sense of control against the unfair burdens placed on our bodies and our minds, and find nothing. But we don’t break. Because we know there’s still work to be done. And let’s face it, no matter how many more laws we pass, or what type of clothes we are wearing (or not wearing), nothing will completely stop this shit fuck behavior until we shift the social narrative that allows it to continue.
The Scene: A Multi-Billion Dollar Corporation Annual Divisional Conference, Focusing on Gender Equality in Nowhere Arizona.
Over 100 men and women gathered to solve the world’s problems, including a panel of the company’s brightest and most talented female leaders and I was fucking pumped! I walked into the giant ballroom and I saw The Super Groper heading towards the stage… there’s no way that douche canoe was on a panel to discuss gender equality right?! But here’s the thing, he was. There was some chatter that he was not as white as we all originally thought and he was there to represent diversity among the predominately white male leaders. It’s worth mentioning that this is the same company that would say things like “We need to raise our diversity scores this quarter, let’s really focus on hiring ethnic groups” on conference calls, as if we were just working to check the boxes. This kind of “diversity” is a numbers game, not actual progress towards equality and that’s what I have a problem with. I felt helpless and I wanted to scream – “Is this the best you came up with to represent the male voice of this company? He’s your guy? Did you ask literally anyone their opinion?”
This was the moment I had to come to terms with why The Super Groper saw himself as an entitled predator and why, despite all the diversity and inclusion training, it seemed like men in power were rarely held accountable for their actions. I watched as the bright and talented humans I mentioned before interact with the Groper, throwing their heads back to laugh at whatever he said, my stomach churning with indignation as I realized that he was a ‘nice guy’ to them and not the fuckwad I knew him to be. And I get it, we all have different perceptions based on our realities; some of us are more aware of the subtle behaviors and micro aggressions that can occur in the workplace, while others may be oblivious because it’s not happening to them or they just accept it as part of the game. But it is happening and it’s fucked.
“We Need to Reshape Our Own Perception of How We View Ourselves. We Have to Step Up as Women and Take the Lead.” — Beyoncé
I looked around and saw the same flicker of disgust in other women’s eyes. They knew the truth of The Super Groper and we were all just Patty Hursting it in that moment; smiling hostages to a system that had failed us. Watching my fellow victims choke down their disdain, it became crystal clear that there was an epidemic of male entitlement in the workplace, and this was catering to a culture of inequality. It was a feeling I knew all too well – we allow these men to stay in power too long by staying small and pretending everything is okay.
I started to think about how so many of us have grown up in a culture where sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior are normalized. We’ve been taught to take up as the least space as possible and stay quiet to stay safe. That no, isn’t a full sentence when it comes to our bodies and the people in positions of authority or power who want to touch us without permission. We’ve been conditioned that it’s easier to just laugh it off, ignore it, and move on. I so want to tell you that I stood up in the middle of that ballroom, grabbed the mic, and spoke my truth about The Super Groper, and all the women in the room cheered and starting flipping tables, demanding Equality, Equity and Empowerment… But I didn’t and not a single table was flipped – Instead, I realized causing a scene wouldn’t do shit to him or his legacy but I would definitely walk away with another scarlet letter. C for Crazy. We have all been called crazy in an effort to silence, discredit and control us. It’s a way of diminishing our power and robbing us of our agency. And the shit works.
I guess that’s the unwritten rule. No one talks about it, but we all feel it when our voices are not heard. When the success of our career is determined by how well we can nod and pretend to be interested in what a man has to say that has no relevance or thought process just because he has authority and fucking loves the sound of his own voice. We shrink ourselves down and disappear into the background so that men in power can continue to do as they please without consequence. We are praised for our hard work and dedication (for a woman anyway), but the compliment is meant to make us feel like an addict itching for the next hit of validation, just another sheep waiting to be herded every day into submission.
Fake a Smile so That They Don’t Call You a Bitch That Takes Up Space
The lights dimmed, people filed to their seats, and the newly appointed female CEO, took to the podium and to avoid being seen as pushy, arrogant, or gasp! unliked, she opened with a tight 5 of self-deprecation. It was at that moment I realized that the need to be liked and not be seen as a ‘bitch’ or someone who takes up too much space has been embedded into our subconscious since we were little girls. Society had conditioned us to ignore our true selves and take on this invisible cloak so that they could maintain control. Self-deprecation is now seen as an acceptable form of humor but what it really is, is a safety net for women – allowing them to stay small while still fitting in with everyone else. She had the opportunity to do it differently, to create change from the first speech and she fucked up.
I was so angry and heartbroken at the same time; I wanted to scream and pull my hair out, but instead, I just took a deep breath and decided to ask a question to the panel. I didn’t know what else to do, this was all too familiar – women being controlled by male-led systems of oppression. We had all been conditioned to stay small and not speak out, for fear of being labeled as unprofessional or too aggressive. It was a very ‘don’t meet your heroes’ kind of moment and instead of using the platform to call out The Super Groper, I unfairly aimed my disdain at the new CEO.
My question was simple: “What advice do you have for women to stop using self-deprecating humor as a way to succeed?”
I don’t remember the answer so I’m guessing it didn’t shatter my world. It was definitely a ‘don’t meet your heroes’ kind of vibe. The Super Groper got what he wanted, he was given a platform to spew his outdated and misogynistic thoughts on gender equality under the guise of “the male voice” and avoiding any mention of his resolute support of the wage gap or his gross ass hugs. And none of this shit is new – men like him have been snaking their way through life, leaving a lopsided legacy of inequality and unfairness in their wake for centuries. I watched as women in the audience tried so hard not to roll their eyes and resist typing their truth into the company Word Cloud. I personally think a Word Cloud filled with words like “douche canoe, ass hat” would have been fucking epic but there wasn’t a chance in hell that anyone was going to take that kind of risk and tell their truth.
I’m Someone’s Daughter Too…
After the conference wrapped up the professionals hung up their blazers and broke out the vodka. Men gathered around the proverbial campfire to discuss how they could fix this whole situation because they all wanted better for their daughters, and fixing shit is what men do. Dude, I’m someone’s daughter. Any chance you want to help me create an environment in which I feel safe and supported to speak my truth like right now? That way when it’s your daughter’s turn to meet her boss in the hotel lobby, she won’t have to spend 3 hours picking out the perfect outfit that looks fashionable and professional but doesn’t get her felt up against her will while she smiles and chokes back the tears. We’re all someone’s daughter, and we all need to stand up and call out the bullshit when we see it.
Women need to know that they have Psychological Safety and can speak up when they experience sexual harassment and they will be heard and supported, not victim-blamed or slut shamed. We must also acknowledge the cultural factors that enable such mistreatment and take active steps to correct them by challenging systems of oppression, denouncing male entitlement, and teaching kids early on about the importance of Psychological, Emotional, and Physical safety, open dialogue, and mutual respect.
Get involved and become a Changemaker. There is so much strength in the HTM community and by sharing our stories, we are creating space for other brave humans who were willing to stand up for justice. We are the ones who will challenge the status quo and demand change. Let’s make it easier for future generations of women to raise their voices without fear of retribution or humiliation. And remember reader… Nothing changes if nothing changes.