The COO was the epitome of toxic masculinity and narcissism, lording his power over everyone around him to maintain a high place in the unimportant social hierarchy of our company. This dude had a desperate need to be at the top and was determined to make everyone around him bow down. In an effort to be the best or have the best, he farmed out his personality to material things and assumed that nice things would buy him the admiration he was due. Ego was driving the Jag, and The COO was prepared to do anything to prove he was the bestest COO in all the land. Talking shit on his peers, outright dishonesty, gross manipulation of women, it was all fair game. He used power and influence to act as a dick-bag dictator, not a compassionate leader. He also spent a lot of time demanding respect from men, often belittling them in front of their peers to show dominance but it just made everyone in the room super uncomfortable. Protip fellas: Women don’t measure your dick by how well you talk shit on other men, we stare at your sweatpants like everyone else.
When we first met, The COO presented himself as an ally, taking me under his wing (grooming) and helping me navigate the confusing politics of the organization (manipulation), but he had a secret agenda (shocker!). The truth was he saw me and everyone else as pieces on the board, disposable playthings that he could move and manipulate to serve his needs and desires. The COO recognized that I was not only attractive, but I was also really good at my job, which was a legit surprise to him. As though women didn’t need to serve more than one role in his life. So, naturally, he started to try to push me into a box like all men do. Pretty and breathing? Cumdumpster. Smart and Driven? Vice President. He was determined to figure out my role and then make sure I stayed in this limited space where I couldn’t possibly challenge him or prove myself too competent for his comfort. But he didn’t want to have to choose which box, he wanted both and it was driving him crazy.
Meanwhile, I had no fucking clue because I was focused on the work. You see my superpower is having zero clue when someone is hitting on me when I’m not interested. I don’t pick up on a single social cue and it has proven to be a double-edged sword of a talent. Most men just keep it moving, convinced I was aware and politely rebuffing their advances like a proper lady, others decide that I need help recognizing my love and ramp up their efforts. That’s usually when it goes from normal to what-actual-fuck in 7.3 seconds, and I’m standing there wondering why this fucking guy is telling me how great my legs would look wrapped around his head. Every time, I’m like how did we get here? Weren’t we just talking about the weather? How does rain on Thursday equate to please fuck me baby boy? Seriously, how??
“If in Shark Infested Waters, Don’t Assume the Fin Coming Toward You is a Dolphin.” – Mary Russel
The COO was not the only wild card in the bunch. I managed to tap into a fucking nightmare of an organization, complete with divorcing owners, nepotism, and cash flow issues. It was a classic example of fuckery in action; the inexperienced owners needed recognition and attention from people around them and assumed that all employees would provide this for them without question or resistance. They believed their power as leaders meant every decision they made or any random thought they had from that time they visited that one place, somewhere, a while ago, was fucking gospel and gave them license to act however they pleased. This thinking created an extremely hostile work environment that I couldn’t even trust myself in anymore—something I hadn’t felt since childhood.
So what’s a girl to do to survive this time? Another company, another shitshow with zero Psychological, Emotional, or Physical Safety. Working in an untrusting environment can really fuck with your sense of self. Everywhere you turn, something is trying to be hidden and your brain starts to find ways to protect itself from the onslaught of bullshit. Friend or foe? Truth or lies? It is said that a lack of trust can sabotage productivity, engagement, and retention and that’s exactly what I was left to deal with. The negative feelings began to infect everyone and everything and as all that negativity began to chip away at the foundation of the company, distrust grew in the cracks. Once the feeling of distrust took hold, people struggled to work well with each other—they began monitoring what they said and how they said it and stopped voicing their ideas and opinions, and taking risks. It was depressing and defeating, and it was only getting worse.
When Does Trauma-Bonding Turn Into Masochism? I’m Asking for a Friend.
The COO attached himself to me through the guise of wanting to focus on rescuing the company and making it a success. Which is my jam. I love taking fuck-shows and turning them upside down and inside out until we work out all the issues and that baby is printing money. The only thing I love more is finding dope-ass humans along the way to help me in the fight. Three members of my squad are from these very adventures so I take it seriously when someone tries to align themselves to me professionally. The COO told me he respected me because I wasn’t intimidated by him like everyone else, which is fucking weird to say to a woman. Yea bro, I’m super excited that you like the fact that I am fucking conditioned to keep myself safe and small around men like you!
He tested his theory when he pulled me into a locked windowless room and accused me of talking negatively about him. I owned my shit and told him that if he was going to confront me, he better come correct and at least accurately quote my shit talking. Cause there is nothing I hate more than being misquoted while trapped in a locked, windowless room with a man that is twice my size. I think the fuck not. So I took the opportunity to clarify and told him that he leads with pride and ego, and I consider that to be a wildly ineffective leadership style. It’s not an opinion I am going to hide or sugarcoat when asked and if that is what he considered to be talking shit, then guilty as charged. He let me out of the little prison and then didn’t speak to me for 4 days. The COO of a multi-million dollar company who just claimed to not lead with pride and ego was just walking around ignoring me and canceling meetings like the fucking ship wasn’t on fire and sinking. The fuck do you do with that?
After other team members started picking up on the tension, The COO invited me out for drinks to clear the air. I had zero clue this was anything other than a night out with a colleague and I wanted to move on from all the weirdness. We drank to excess, told our truths, did some light bearing of souls and as he was walking me to my car it hit me… oh shit… this dude is trying to fuck. And he’s already shown me that he can be aggressive so now what? He went in for the kiss and I played right along, using the decades of experience I had placating men. We may not always cover birth control and orgasms but one thing all women teach other women is how to play along to survive. I was able to get out of the situation by claiming to be super bloated and gross cause of my period and thought our drunken little misadventure would just fade away. No big right? I was so fucking wrong.
After that night, The COO locked in on me and kept pressuring me to go out with him again. He was relentless in his pursuit, forcing me into multiple uncomfortable conversations during our professional one on one meetings. He kept demanding a plausible reason for why I said no because just saying no was not acceptable. To him and many other men like him, no is not a full sentence. A woman saying no demands explanation, solid reasoning and at least 3 respectable character witnesses. So, I framed my answer in every fucking way possible. I told him it was unprofessional as he is The COO and I reported to him. I was not attracted to him. I was still in love with my ex. I threw the kitchen sink at it, and nothing worked. After yet another meeting in which he turned the topic from work to his dick, I finally reached my breaking point and told him enough is enough and to fuck right the fuck off. He then spent the next 2 weeks refusing to speak to me. Once again, The COO of the fucking company canceled meetings between me and his team, ignored direct questions from me during conference calls, and bad-mouthed me to anyone who would listen.
I’m Not Having Fun Anymore.
I know what you’re thinking. “Why didn’t I go to HR?” Welp, going to HR was not a viable option, and never has been in any of the organizations I have worked for throughout my career. The human resources department is designed to protect the company, not its people. I know this because I have been trained by many HR departments and it’s all the same. When an employee reports any type of misconduct, the first action taken by HR is to keep the allegations contained and protect the company from litigation, and then worry about protecting the employee. It is yet another system designed to fuck you right in the face. And in my experience, no one in a position of power has ever been held accountable for their behavior, even when evidence was presented that proved it was wrong. It would have been me against him and there were very real reasons why I knew he would win this fight.
In this particular case, HR was too busy telling me about their drunken blackouts, continuously cheating on their spouse, and how they wished The COO would fuck them. All that said, they didn’t scream ally, so I stayed silent and did what scared women do best – survive. Eventually, The COO realized he was playing with fire regarding his treatment of me and switched tactics. He refocused his energy on getting me back on his side and the continued success of the company. And I put my head down, did the work, and was terminated about a month later. I found myself stuck in yet another loop where no matter how hard I try to play by what I think are the rules, powerful men make up their own set of rules and turn me into collateral damage.
“What I Fear Most is Power with Impunity. I Fear Abuse of Power, and the Power to Abuse.” – Isabel Allende
The COO abused power by using intimidation, humiliation, criticism, and coercion to get what he wanted and he succeed for a time. Men like him always seem to find a way. The COO’s approach of using pride and ego to drive his power was damaging, not just to the people he interacted with, but also to himself. His unchecked sense of power ultimately led to feelings of insecurity and a need to control every situation. At its worst, this approach gave rise to bullying tendencies or fear tactics which ultimately exhausted all involved and did nothing but create an environment of intense pressure and discontentment. The COO was a textbook example of toxic masculinity. He demanded allegiance, acceptance and attention from the people around him and assumed we would all provide this for him without question or opposition.
However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead of using ego as a tool to manipulate or control, we can all strive for an environment built on mutual respect. You can choose to be a decent fucking human and lead by example, promote healthy communication, and give credit where credit is due. It won’t kill you, I promise. Get weird and push yourself and your colleagues out of their comfort zones, invite other perspectives into difficult conversations, and be open-minded when expectations are challenged. Change is uncomfortable and making it really happen can seem daunting AF, but we can’t afford to sit back and watch the shitshow anymore. Everyone’s daughter deserves better.
At Hard to Manage, we believe that creating a culture where Psychological, Emotional, and Physical Safety make up the foundation is not just a dream, it’s a necessity for sustainable change and growth. And to achieve this, we must start taking risks and embracing change. We need to hold space for people to contribute and encourage them to speak up and share their stories. And create an environment where people are free to express themselves, and their voices are heard and valued. Remember – nothing changes if nothing changes, so we need to abandon old ways of thinking and doing things and embrace new, creative approaches. By doing so, we’ll begin to create a culture where everyone can thrive. We have the power to make a difference, and it starts with us. So let’s fucking go.