I didn’t show up at Corporate America summer camp mentally stable and ready to be a decent human. Nope. I, like the rest of us driven by the incessant need for financial independence, filed off the bus dragging our suitcases packed to the brim with neuroses we affectionally call our personality traits. These ‘traits’ are so deeply rooted in our psyche that, even when we want to stick to the Cult handbook and keep it professional, our pre-programmed quirks will slip out without warning. It’s like a rebellion of sorts—a way for us to take some control over an environment that can be unforgivingly skewed towards the empowerment of men and the continued conditioning and oppression of women.
I got off the bus, adjusted my Corporate Ambassador Girl sash, polished off my body dysmorphia & people pleasing badges, and started down the trail labeled “TRADITIONAL PATH: this way to your dream job, perfect life, and bright ass future.” I mean… fuck yea to all that right? I didn’t even bother to check the map they gave me in school, it mentioned needing money but gave zero guidance on where to go to get it or what to do with it once I found it, so I figured I was better off on my own, as most 20-something-year-olds do. I never expected that my journey through The Scary Forest would be the wild ride I ended up experiencing. I was looking for titles and paychecks, but it was a fuck-show of fuckery filled with lessons, badges, and a squad of ride or die’s that I picked up along the way. And as I find myself in my accountability era and I look back on my journey down the Corporate Cult trail, I’m unpacking that shit and taking responsibility for how my behavior cultivated an environment where my shitty coping skills were passed off as quirky character traits instead of ineffective toxic trash.
The Path that Lies Ahead
Career paths in the Corporate Cult are decrepit cobblestone roads of inequality and harassment, surrounded by thick dark woods on both sides. And I’m talking the kind of cobblestone that will not just roll an ankle after a drunken evening, but snap that fucker right in half. It’s so dark that you can only see things from your limited perception and the flashlight they gave you seems to be set to club mode and continuously pulses to the beat of Britney’s Work Bitch.  In the flashes, on one side you see The Boys Club, The Pantsuits on the other, all reaching out trying to pull you into the woods and sacrifice you at the alter of their broken dreams and the biased performance review. As the path winds between the thick woods, you stop to set up camp at the first campsite you see. It’s warm and filled with the glow of fluorescent lighting, and they immediately offer you money, food, and shelter, and the only thing they want in return is your soul, aka a non-compete agreement.
You are so fucking pumped to have your needs met and so soon on your journey!! I mean barely off the bus and bam! You’ve found the solution to all your problems. You don’t even pump the breaks to read the contract. You’ve seen everything you needed to see with the dollar amount, some PTO, and a title. Who gives a shit about company culture, succession planning, or even a realistic job description when you have bills to pay and crushing debt to choke your dreams? You make the deal, sign on the dotted line, and immediately pull out your sleeping bag. And you don’t realize it yet but this is where things start to go very wrong… As you lay your head down each night, you notice that your sash is filling up with additional badges, the money you should be saving is being lit on fire the second you get paid because consumerism is the only thing that temporarily fills the void, and abusing alcohol is the only way you can stand being in social situations. You’re unhappy, unhealthy, and very bloated and so fucking far from where you wanted to be, but strangely comforted by the idea that this path is familiar. You’ve been conditioned for this. And it looks just like everyone else’s life, so you accept your fate, go to work, come home exhausted, and drink yourself in sweet nothingness. Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life. Unless you’ve got the guts to say “Fuck this shit, I’m gonna find a map to the next campsite on Indeed.com.”
New map in hand and back on the path, you’re not sure how you got so lost or why it took so long for you to get here, but now that you’re here, you can start fresh. You are headed to the next campsite that believes in the importance of Psychological Safety, values your opinions, and fosters a collaborative environment. You’ve done your homework on the company’s mission statement and values and they check off all the boxes. Each of the 5 interviews was better than the last. Every single interviewer mentioned how fun it is to work there and that it’s really more of a family than a just a work place! You think you can finally see a glimmer of hope and that it’s all going to be okay now. It wasn’t okay. You know it. I know it. It was another company that put profits over people and allowed The Boy’s Club to remain in power. Promising things like unlimited PTO, knowing the only thing that’s unlimited is your willingness to serve the company over your own needs, and you’ll take 2 weeks over the course of 10 years. And a part of you wants to run for the hills but massive piles of debt and the desire to appear successful keep you in your place. But all is not lost reader… you see there’s a silver lining to this epic journey – meeting other dope-ass humans who are on the same path.
Bought Matching Diamonds for 6 of my Bitches…
Cleopatra had Charmion and Iras, Virginia Woolf had Katherine Mansfield, and Oprah has Gayle. Every woman needs a squad of ride-or-dies. I’m not actually sure how the members of my squad stuck it out during my 20+ year reign of blackouts, alcohol abuse and overall fuckery, but I’m really fucking grateful they did. I met 1N in high school and she is my platonic soul mate. We weren’t close in school because I wasn’t close with anyone in school but we managed to reconnect as adults and she is one of the coolest fucking people I have ever met. She holds space for my thoughts and manages to hold me accountable AF, especially when I am wasting time, energy and effort on made up narratives. She is also the reason my hair looks amazing 80% of the time. The other 20% is on me because I wait too long between haircuts. MD has a bullshit meter that is always set to zero and I love her for it. She and I lived and survived the story of The Weird Liar and his Faithful Sidekick together and we turned that trauma bond into a lifelong friendship built on trust, extremely dark humor, and a love for really fucking good food. Woods is one of the smartest people I know and just like me, her brain sees the countless ways to make money. I trusted her instantly and we bonded over our dealings with The Boss and getting felt up by The Super Groper.
OG is actually the ex-wife of one of the characters in this series and that is her story to tell. I met her in a time of great personal crisis for both of us and she is a big reason I live where I live now. She is honest, kind and a dog lover – making her a perfect member of the squad. ES worked for me for a total of 5 seconds but we developed a fierce bond as we both tried to survive an insanely toxic environment created by The COO. She is crazy smart and funny and makes everything a lot more fun. Youngin’ is by far the most energetic member of the squad, and her perspective is amazing and totally fucking opposite of mine at times. Her generation is so open to change and fearless in their pursuit of happiness, and she is constantly pushing me out of old ways of thinking. I fucking love it. And rounding out the squad is Stat. He (that’s right, I said he! I’m not a man hater y’all. I’m a dickbag hater. There’s a big difference.) and I bonded over our love for cannabis and personal growth. He is one of the most self-aware humans I have ever met, and he constantly reminds me that creating bullshit narratives and trying to exercise a false sense of control over anything but myself is completely pointless. He also does not interrupt me when I am speaking, doesn’t pull weird shit gross, or do anything to make me feel unsafe. That is a fucking ride-or-die dude… take note fellas.
I am blessed, spoiled, lucky, whatever you want to call it, to have these amazing humans in my life. Everyone needs their own squad of loyal friends to survive The Scary Forest. Your squad brings not only that ride-or-die loyalty, but love and support as well. And you need all the love and support available babe, because those badges you picked up are sewn into the very fabric of who you think you are and removing them is incredibly difficult and painful. You have to cut deep to fully remove their grip and your squad acts like fucking field doctors, helping you clean yourself up and sew yourself back together. I took that metaphor all the way to the finish line.
Drinking is Not a Personality Trait
As we navigate through The Scary Forest, it is inevitable that we will pick up all kinds of different badges for our ambassador sashes. These badges come in the form of experiences that shape our personality traits and behaviors. And most humans just accept that as their fate. “I’ve always been a narcissist, and it’s working just fine.” After spending years dealing with the same bullshit, I was really good at blaming everything on my circumstances and other people. Like really good. Scary good. I was very comfortable in my role of the victim, as I had been playing my mothers understudy my whole life. But when you blame everything on other people and circumstances, you lose your power – and considering I had barely any power as it was, that shit was not going to work for me.
So I had to get fucking real with myself and admit some hard truths. I had picked up all the shitty badges that I spent so much time yelling about. Narcissism, alcohol abuse, complete lack of self-awareness, and if it didn’t come in badge form, I found a way to stitch it on there anyways. After realizing this, I committed to doing the work and becoming a better human. Eventually I was even able to realize that drinking was not a personality trait, it was just something I did because it made me feel better temporarily. Sure, it numbed all the painful feelings and allowed me to cope, but in the end it actually kept me from being able to face and process my emotions in a healthy way and added more problems than it ever solved.
I had to learn how to process emotions without drinking or none of the work I was doing was going to be sustainable. Which was fucking terrifying, and filled me with so much anxiety I could barely leave the house for the first 6 months. Who I am trying to kid, it was a year. I was crippled with anxiety for a year after I stopped abusing alcohol. Every emotion, nightmare, or shitty experience came flooding back. It was fucking brutal, but waking up in my own bed and not being hungover and dying made it bearable. I had to find ways to connect with people authentically and not just with a drink in my hand. I had to let go of the need for control and accept that life isn’t always manageable or predictable. And most importantly, I had to learn to be present in my own body and how to love myself – flaws and all. It has taken a lot of time, energy, and dedication but now when you look at me, you don’t see someone who is defined by their past experiences or behaviors – instead you see someone who is strong and resilient, yet gentle and covered in tattoos. Most days anyway. It’s a constant battle to fight against falling into old patterns, but I am definitely someone who is trying to make the best of this life and ultimately become a better version of themselves.
And look I’m not saying don’t drink or do drugs at all – everyone needs an escape from the fuckery, I personally love cannabis and all cannabis related products and I am super fucking jazzed to explore other naturally occurring hallucinogenics – but take some time each week to really evaluate why you’re doing it. Is it because of something that happened? Something someone said or did to you? Or maybe it’s just a habit and you don’t actually need the crutch at all. If drinking and drugs (I do not classify cannabis as a drug, I’m thinking more like poppin’ bars like tic-tacs) are completely gone, what would replace them as your coping mechanism? I’m willing to bet whatever replaces them will make your life way better in the long run. Unless it’s food or sex, cause while I fucking love both of these things, they are off brand bandaids on big ass bullet holes. They won’t last. So try and remember reader, those badges don’t have to be cemented personality traits. They are not who you are, but rather something you do in order to cope with the pain. Be honest with yourself and brave enough to face those painful feelings head on so that you can eventually move past them and live the life you want.
Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes
No one wants to be stuck on that ankle breaking cobblestone path, surrounded by The Boy’s Club and The Pantsuits, blindly heading towards to nothingness anymore. At HTM our Just Cause is to create a future in which all humans are created equal, entitled to nonnegotiable rights, including equity, equality and empowerment in all aspects of the human condition. This is only possible if we consider our actions and start changing the path before the next generations attempt to get on it. Girls should not be conditioned from day 1 to stay small to stay safe from the insidious grip of the male gaze, they should be taught to be comfortable in their own skin and truly love themselves. We need stop teaching girls to be perfect and boys to be brave, making girls afraid to take risks and doomed to chase an unobtainable sense of perfection for the rest of their lives. They should have the same access to resources and be equally paid and represented in the world so they know that can be anyone and do anything.
When it comes to building a sustainable community, we need more than just a desire for change. HTM has recognized this and is taking a proactive approach. Our focus on empowering individuals to create equitable change not only benefits those directly impacted but the entire community. By promoting equality and ensuring Psychological, Emotional and Physical Safety, we are laying the groundwork for a strong foundation. Through the work of changemakers, real progress can be made towards a more sustainable future. Being a part of this community not only allows individuals to see the impact they can make but provides them with support and encouragement along the way. So join us in our quest and share your story— help us create systemic change by contributing what you can bring to the table right now. By standing together we can make an indelible impact now, for this generation and generations to come.