I met The Chewer at an annual company retreat and within 15 minutes, he showed me he could do handstand push-ups… in the middle of a crowded bar… without being asked. And then gave a big speech about why women can’t do races or competitions because of our uteruses. He may have given a different nonsense reason but I forgot to write it down. It was one of those moments women have throughout their lives, the kind where you’re observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren’t real, as your brain tries to protect itself from the constant onslaught of douchebaggery.
As The Chewer kept talking about himself and his abs, I realized I was starring in his mating ritual, against my will like being flashed on the subway. I was fucking trapped. 1) I can’t make a fucking scene at a company retreat for a company I joined like 3 seconds ago cause they don’t yet know that under all this chaos is a dope ass human that just needs a lot of therapy and 2) that hand-stand pushup pumping motherfucker looks like the poster boy for male-on-female rejection violence: the entitlement, dominance, and lack of respect for women that too often masquerades as charm and confidence. Aka The Nice Guy – driven by ego and desperate for attention and validation from women, but his insecurity prevents him from seeing us as anything more than objects to be conquered and bragging rights earned.
So like momma taught me, I laughed and kept things light until he got distracted by something shiny and I turned my attention to where I really shine, getting white girl wasted. My party trick was getting drunkity drunk drunk as a way to silence the panic attacks and anxiety that come with being an ambivert. See, we ambiverts aren’t like you regular introverts or extroverts. We can do a bi-polar like flip into either depending on our mood, situationship, and the amount of fucks we possess at any given moment. So when The Chewer started the second half of his circus act by lifting various women to show off his strength, I was already reaching for my fifth vodka soda and he became another blurry distraction.
That’s What We Call New Money Honey
The Chewer was new to The Boy’s Club, and you could smell it on him. A mix of blind devotion, desperation, and Acqua di Gio. He was a small-town guy that focused solely on mainlining the power, pussy, and prestige of The Boy’s Club and had no clue what happens to silly men with new money and loyal wives at home. Within just a few months, his party boy management style was making way too many people take notice, like his actual wife, reporting employees, and clients that hadn’t heard from him in weeks. He was like a coked-up Jack Russell and a huge liability for The Boss. The epitome of a nouveau riche – he believed that a bigger paycheck, a fancy new title, and some airline miles were enough to buy him an actual personality and somehow negate that he was in way over his head.
The Chewer started abandoning the very same small-town boy pieces of himself that had gotten him to where he was. He disconnected from old friends and family, and worse, he started treating those who were there for him through thick and thin like they didn’t matter anymore. His values quickly shifted from loyalty and friendship to self-interest, greed, and narcissism. We’re talking Kennedy-level debauchery. Suddenly his only goal was to be in the elite circle of The Boy’s Club and nothing else. He would throw money around like it was water, thinking it would be enough to make him an equal among his peers or by the respect of those who reported to him. Pair that with his shitty jokes, the sound of his gnashing teeth echoing throughout every room, causing even the most polite humans to cover their ears in horror at his malicious mastication skills, and pompous douchey demeanor and you have one giant dickbag of a human. Sure, everyone wanted a piece of The Chewer’s success but no one wanted to be associated with him personally. That’s just what happens when you try too hard but don’t understand the fundamental rules of The Boys Club; you become a footnote and nothing more.
Shortly after the retreat, The Chewer became my boss. Shout out to drunk me for not sleeping with him cause that would have been awkward AF, and judging by the way he violated anything that went into his mouth, it’s safe to assume it would have been a violent assault on areas near and around my clit, followed by 2-3 minutes of unmemorable married guy missionary sex. Not all heroes wear capes, but every once in a while drunk me dusts off her paper mache cape and comes through.
Perfect is The Enemy of Good – Voltaire
As a boss, The Chewer was as ineffective as his pimp game. There are a lot of books that tell you what makes a great leader (and a few on the art of pimping if I’m not mistaken) and none of them mention perfectionism. Even the best leaders can’t always live up to that unrealistic expectation and fall short on all kinds of things because they are human. I was not expecting The Chewer to be a perfect leader, I just needed him to pick a lane. We’re either in this together and you’re going to lead and I’m going to follow, or you can go fuck off and I’ll print you money. Seems like a fair ask right? Not to The Chewer. Nope, he was so busy acting the part of a successful VP, he completely forgot to actually be one.
When he bothered to come to town, he would blow in like a fucking hurricane and everything had to be done his way. He’d randomly assign tasks without having a plan in mind and then blame you when things weren’t done correctly. He was always jumping from project to project without completing any one task, creating an atmosphere of chaos and confusion rather than focus and productivity. His words to both his team and our clients were empty promises that were never kept. No matter how hard we worked, he always demanded more. And don’t get me wrong, I fucking love more. Giving it. Getting it. All of it. But I can’t give you more if you’re always changing the rules and moving the fucking goalpost.
I would love to think that he had no idea the impact his lack of leadership would have on morale, team dynamics, and ultimately, the company’s bottom line. He couldn’t have seen that I was fucking drowning while he ran around using the company credit card to cover his lavish nights out and turning his work trips into personal vacations. Unfortunately, this kind of leadership is all too familiar and happens more often than not. I was left to figure out how to manage the account, keep my team’s stress levels to a minimum and try and boost morale without his guidance or support. Until review time… then he was ripe with fucking opinions and ideas.
It’s exhausting to deal with a Narcissist. And I never knew what to expect from The Chewer in terms of actual leadership style. Would he micromanage us one day or completely disappear the next? It was a mystery every day. In those moments, I longed for a true leader—someone who could see potential and build their team up instead of breaking them down. Someone with the foresight to realize how poor leadership will affect everyone’s morale, not just their own ego, and that ultimately any business is only as successful as its employees.
My own Abuse of Power Shit Show
While working for The Chewer, I was in a consensual relationship with a man who reported to me. I can spend time defending the timeline, how and why things lined up the way they did but in hindsight, it was a risky and irresponsible move on my part. Looking back, I realize that my position of power could have easily been abused. It’s possible that he felt pressured to stay in the relationship because of fear of retribution if he didn’t comply with my wishes. It’s also possible that he was just as into it as I was and wasn’t worried about any repercussions. Based on our near 8-year run, I’m willing to bet it’s the latter. Regardless of what his motivations were for staying with me, I should have known better than to entertain such an intimate relationship without guidance or policy, when there was a power imbalance between us. I know I felt pressured to stay with him to avoid rocking the boat both personally and professionally. And I was worried that if I said anything about ending our relationshit or one of us moving to another account, it could ultimately hurt his career and mine. Being a single woman makes people nervous. Being a successful single woman makes people downright terrified. And that’s when they really start the slut shaming.
Women in positions of power who don’t conform to the heteronormative narrative are often judged and their credentials questioned. Wife. Check. Boss. Check. Single AND a boss? We don’t have a box for that, sorry boo. Oh! Did you mean gonna die alone? Cause… check. Single women have to navigate these stereotypes and assumptions every day while trying not to compromise our integrity or lose sight of our goals. It’s a constant battle between wanting to appear independent yet still being accepted into the fold. Despite the increase in acknowledgment of our right to autonomy, choosing to remain single still makes people super uncomfortable. While there are some instances in which it can be empowering, more often than not people will try to find ways to diminish someone’s success and make them feel less than if they don’t conform to traditional standards of relationships and marriage.
I was in a constant power struggle with The Chewer and my then-partner, and it was an impossible situation to navigate. On the one hand, I wanted to be respected by my company and seen as a competent leader, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to appear overly ambitious or be viewed as trying to climb the ladder too quickly, possibly outshining my partner and leaving him behind on my career journey. Can’t be too hungry ladies, we don’t want the men getting all worked up now do we?! It was an overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a toxic cycle. I chose to stay in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for me because it felt easier to do so than risk leaving and potentially having negative consequences at work. This is something that many women can relate to—the fear of retribution if we don’t comply with what society expects us to do or say. There’s too much pressure on us to conform and fit into the mold of what a woman should be: docile, quiet, compliant, and agreeable. We’re taught from a young age that our worth is wrapped up in our relationships, and if we’re not in one then there must be something wrong with us.
Power imbalances like this cannot be taken lightly, and all parties involved need to be aware of how their actions might affect the other person. It’s taken me a long time to understand how wrong this was and to acknowledge that the problem isn’t having a consensual relationship with someone you supervise, but rather not having the proper policies in place to ensure everyone is safe and respected. This experience opened my eyes to the importance of creating healthy work environments and setting and maintaining clear boundaries between personal and professional relationships. It’s also taught me that the lesson here is that people in positions of power should be extremely mindful of the dynamics between them and their subordinates. It’s important to always remember that there is trust that comes with any professional relationship and that it can easily be broken if not handled carefully.
“Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who try to find it.” –  E.L. Kersten
Ultimately, my experience with The Chewer taught me that money cannot buy your organization a good leader. Sure, chasing that paper might get you bigger titles or fancy offices, but it won’t buy you loyalty and trust from your employees, or actual happiness. And in The Chewer’s case, chasing that paper can also cost your marriage, the first one anyway. His poor leadership style caused an unhealthy domino effect of disappointment, resentment, and failure throughout the entire organization. But there’s a silver lining! Bad leadership can be a great teacher; learning how NOT to do things from a douche canoe humbled me, and made me wiser and more grateful for good leaders. I couldn’t see it when I was living it, but now I am aware of how much I grew and improved as both a leader and a human under the terrible tyranny of The Chewer.
I am truly grateful for what this experience taught me about limpdicks and leadership. I learned that being a good leader means putting aside your own ambitions and allowing you to recognize the strengths of those around you, ensuring they have the necessary tools and Psychological, Emotional and Physical Safety for their continued growth and success. It also means having empathy and understanding for different personalities, and leaving space for alternate points of view while still keeping an eye on the organization’s overall Just Cause and goals. And finally, it taught me the importance of setting clear boundaries between my personal life and professional one, as well as creating policies that protect everyone in the workplace from abuse of power.