Ever stop and think why the world pits women against each other?  There’s always a storyline about a love triangle that results in two women hating other each, other women picking sides – deciding who’s the Madonna and who’s the whore, and absolutely nothing happening to the man or his playa status.  And not only do we allow it, we actively encourage it!  We have all been convinced there’s only room for one of us at the proverbial ‘table’, so we throw our elbows out and actively block other women from joining, instead of saying fuck this shit and building our own.

As generations go by, the competition between females becomes more and more fierce.  We talk shit, slut shame and generally just fucking hate on anyone we perceive as a threat.  To secure our positions and assuage our fears of inadequacy, we often resort to any means necessary, at the expense of Psychological and Emotional Safety.  Years of conditioning have left us with a psychological need for validation so fucking strong it overwhelms and snuffs out our desire to come together and unite as a gender to create new opportunities and be seen as equals in society.  And what of the men as we continue to be distracted by infighting?  Nothing!  We’re doing the job for them, so they keep their positions of power and discuss our inability to get out of our own way while holding each other’s dicks on the golf course.

A lot of us can identify with the generations of women who struggled to break glass ceilings that are now taken for granted.  It’s easy to gloss over the amount of progress we’ve made, but the reality is that women have fought tirelessly and risked much to get us where we are today.  From Susan B. Anthony & Elizabeth Cady Stanton leading the fight for suffrage in the late 19th century, to Sojourner Truth questioning gender bias, to the civil rights activists like Rosa Parks & Coretta Scott King who stood up for their beliefs in a hostile environment; these women (and so many more) showed tremendous courage and strength of character to create opportunities for future generations of women.  And while these stories are amazing, they were not in the history books I had access to as a kid.  Or maybe we skipped right over those pages, because I remember a lot of time being spent on the whitewashed narrative of Christopher Columbus.  That fucker didn’t discover America.  He opened up America to Europe, making it possible for them to conquer the Western Hemisphere — and to bring with them the diseases that apparently wiped out 90 percent of the population.  So that guy got a standing O, and no one said shit to me about Susan, Coretta or any of the dope ass women kicking ass throughout history?  Cool. Cool.

“Men Can Beat Each Other to a Pulp and Still Walk Away Friends. With a Woman, Once an Enemy, Always an Enemy. Women Will Sit Like a Spider, for Years, Waiting for the Chance to Strike. They Never Forget and Seldom Forgive.” – Sherrilyn Kenyon

By the time I was born, we could vote for carefully selected white men, hold certain jobs for less pay, and live our lives under the illusion of choice, while being overly sexualized by the male gaze.  So I know freedom ‘mmk?  What I failed to consider were brave women throughout history who have risked their lives for the sake of equity, equality, and empowerment.  I was blissfully unaware of this failure until I met The Pantsuits.  The Pantsuits was a coven of  women that spent so much time chasing success and maintaining the illusion of work-life balance, they were filled with hate and resentment.  They were like an invisible force in the workplace, silently judging, condescending, and actively blocking younger women from advancing their careers.  These women were masters of internalized misogyny, and the sad part is that they didn’t even realize it.

You would think growing up with a mother who saw her own daughter as competition, I would have more than prepared for The Pantsuits.  Nope, they hated me from the rip.  And looking back, I get it.  Society has created an unrealistic and heavily filtered picture of what “beauty” looks like for women: eternal youth, thin but not too thin – men need something to hold onto after all, and conventionally attractive – a standard most of us will never obtain.  Women have internalized this image as if it were gospel and now take out their frustrations on other women when they don’t fit into this false narrative.  Unbeknownst to The Pantsuits, it was all mascara and mirrors, and I was drowning in a sea of alcohol trying not to collapse under the staggering weight of everyone’s expectations and opinions.

The Pantsuits were all older than me, and either dying slowly in unhappy marriages or dying more rapidly as lonely spinsters.  Every single one of them hated their husbands and lived for the admiration of anyone who was not their husband.  They were addicted to attention – any kind of attention, even gross shit from men.  It was the only thing that made them feel alive and validated in a world where being a woman (especially an aging woman) was still very much seen as a disadvantage.  They filled their days chasing the high like a full-blown addict and when they got bored, they needed someone else to blame for their unhappiness; someone who looked like them, but different enough to make it safe from scrutiny.  Someone they saw as an enemy.  And because I was 22, attractive, and a slut, I mean single!!, I was that person.

They went the usual route of slut shaming.  I was called a whore, told I was pathetic for being single and not having kids, and mocked for my taste in (or lack of) men.  Can’t win for losing am I right?!  It’s no surprise that slut shaming is detrimental to women’s mental health and self-image.  Not only does it make us question our own decisions, but it also forces us into a false dichotomy where we must choose between being “good” or “bad” instead of being able to express sexuality freely and on our own terms.  It’s a total mindfuck.

I would like to think The Pantsuits had no idea how they were manipulating my opinion of myself – I was just another naive kid in their eyes, but those fuckers knew and their words would stay with me for years to come.  As I got older, I realized that slut shaming isn’t something we should tolerate or accept – it’s an insidious form of abuse that affects so many women.  Meanwhile, I was less focused on displacing The Pantsuits than I was on becoming them, fearful that all the resentment and fuckery will lead to a complicated, unhappy life with alimony payments to three ex-husbands, closets full of ill-fitting pantsuits, and a handful of kids that hate me.

“There is a Special Place in Hell for Women Who Don’t Help Other Women.” – Madeleine Albright

Unfortunately for me and The Pantsuits, all the lines drawn in the sand obliterated any opportunity for collaboration and mentorship.  We wasted so much energy hating one another and competing for resources and approval in a male-dominated culture, that we allowed sexism to strengthen its grip around our necks, and we couldn’t even recognize that it was happening.  What I should have been learning from The Pantsuits was the power to create opportunities for future generations and to effect sustainable change.  Instead, we fucked around and continued to be paid less, deal with gross behavior, and have our ideas dismissed for the same reasons that oppressed women of past generations.  See ladies!  Men aren’t the only ones holding us back.  We can fuck it up all on our own!

It’s a common misconception that success is a finite resource and that we all need to fight tooth and nail to get ahead.  I mean shit, flip through the pages of nearly any fairytale and you will come across story after story of women competing with other women.  Every stepmother was willing to kill the pretty one, every evil witch was a woman, and the heroines we worshiped were only made whole by their male saviors.  They stopped at nothing in their quests for titles, validation, and money.  Real life isn’t much different; as women our first instinct is rarely to support other women in anything, but instead compete against each other for scraps.  When we are blinded by competition, we fail to see the destruction we cause through our jealousy and insecurities.  And that kind of gatekeeping mentality only leads to inequality for future generations of women.

But it doesn’t have to be this way if we start breaking down these systems of oppression that keep us in competition with each other rather than working together.  Had The Pantsuits led with curiosity and not judgement, maybe I would have asked more questions.  Or maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in trying to prove myself, I could have offered more support.  We all have to make sure that our actions, words, and beliefs don’t propagate the same oppressive systems that have held us back in the past.  By tearing down the walls of gatekeeping and embracing our female power to mentor, collaborate, and support one another, we can create a future where more women are represented in leadership roles across industries and social classes.

If We Can’t Find a Seat at Their Table, Fuck it. We’ll Build Our Own…

Look some women figured this shit out a while ago and have been collaborating and effecting change ever since.  Others have gone out of their way to promote hate, support men in their efforts to control us, and take other women out at the knees.  So, which side of history do you want to be on?  The women who succeeded by fostering relationships and collaborating with other successful women are the same ones that believe everyone should have a seat at the table.  They have built their squad and they know what it takes to succeed in a patriarchal system without sacrificing their own beliefs or values, and they use their privilege to create opportunities for others to break through glass ceilings.  Be that kind of fucking woman.

My squad is the only thing that keeps me grounded in reality some days.  We are diverse in age, career background, race, and life experience and our bonds are built on trust and transparency.  They are my sounding board and voice of reason.  I bounce ideas off of them before they are even fully baked.  I go to them for advice both personally and professionally knowing it comes from a place of empathy, compassion, and just the right amount of “fuck around and find out.”  They are my OG hype people and make me feel like I’m a fucking unicorn with sunshine and sparkles coming out of my ass, even when my brain doesn’t want to believe it.  They also hold me accountable AF and don’t even hesitate to call me on my bullshit.  They are my people and without them, life would be bleak and boring.

Women of all generations have the power to collaborate and achieve great things.  Collaboration is not just about working together, but it is also about creating solidarity, encouragement, and support for each other.  When women work together towards a common goal, they can achieve greater equality and equity for all.  The power of collaboration can lead to empowerment, not just in terms of professional opportunities, but also in the Psychological, Emotional, and Physical safety that comes with having a supportive network of women.  Just think about a few of the modern-day role models that have made it possible for us to live in a world where women collaborate and use their power to enact sustainable change. From Isabel Allende to Oprah Winfrey, these amazing women have taken on topics ranging from education and reproductive rights to business and philanthropy.  They are paving the way for those who come after them with courage, resilience, and an unshakeable belief in themselves and each other.

“We May Share Experiences, Make Jokes, Paint Pictures, and Describe Humiliations that Mean Nothing to Men, but Women Understand.” – Gloria Steinem

Women have the power to effect sustainable change and create something bigger than themselves when they come together.  Look at The Pantsuits and their shit fuck behavior as the embodiment of what not to do.  We need to learn from our past experiences with the made-up narrative of competition and recognize it for what it is: a distraction that keeps us from collaboration and progress.  We have much more power when we’re working together in solidarity towards a common goal, than when we continue to feed into the false notions that there isn’t enough room for all of us at the table.

And don’t sleep on the fact that younger generations are just as determined as their predecessors – they have the freedom of choice that allows them to go against the grain and carve paths of experimentation rather than playing by someone else’s rules.  They have the fearlessness and resilience that comes from embracing change and taking risks.  And we need their help just much as as they need ours.  We may not have had the same opportunities, but we can inspire our younger generations to continue breaking down walls, challenging systems of oppression, and creating positive change for everyone around us.  Share your story and experiences so that we don’t continue to repeat the same mistakes, but instead learn from them and create a more equitable future for everyone.  Let us be the bridge that connects generations so we all have the courage and faith to dream big and be unapologetically ourselves.