Gather round children and join me for a story ripe with grooming, conditioning, and relationship dynamics… in the workplace! The classic tale of naïveté meeting an imbalance in power and control.
Once upon a time, there was a young, credulous woman (it’s me, hi, I’m the woman, it’s me!) who met a man with an air of confidence and charisma. Let’s call him The Chef. He was the embodiment of a panty dropper and card-carrying member of The Boys Club, with his celebrity-esque looks, reassuring charm, and the power to draw people in with his fake altruism and protein shakes. The Chef had a loyal coterie of cult-like admirers who followed his every word and adopted his habits, fitspo mantras, and workout routine as their own. He was quite insufferable with all the attention he was getting from those around him – always ready to offer up “wisdom” and pontificate about any topic (especially if it led back to him).
The dude literally always had his mouth open, mouth breathing, like there was an original thought about to escape his lips at any moment – but unfortunately, we never got that pleasure! Minus the whole mouth-breathing thing, The Chef seemed to have it all, but beneath his smooth exterior was a fuck boy waiting to be unleashed with his faithful fan club by his side holding his dick. The way he manipulated me felt like second nature, almost as if it were something ingrained in him since birth.
I, on the other hand, had been playing small my entire life. Conditioned to seek validation from men, I had no concept of what it meant to stand in my power and trust in myself. If someone validated me, I was ready to make moves and take risks…without any thought as to what my values were or where this path would lead me. I had zero clue who I was, what I thought, or who to trust. So, like every other woman in the world, validation became my drug of choice, and The Chef was my favorite dealer. He made me feel special and chose words like talented, determined, and capable to describe me, while carefully and purposely avoiding words like beautiful and sexy.
He groomed me to seek out his approval by playing on my insecurities and making me feel like I wasn’t good enough without his guidance. Behind the scenes, he worked to undermine my confidence and authority. With every whispered comment, I felt less and less powerful until eventually, I stopped fighting and took to shaking in the corner like a compliment junkie waiting for the next hit of affirmation. It took a long time for me to recognize that my consent wasn’t only physical, but also emotional, mental, and circumstantial. And that the Chef was living in a world of his own making – one of manipulation, entitlement, and above all else, control.
A Deep Dive into Grooming and Conditioning – The Techniques Used to Manipulate Me and Enable Mistreatment
Grooming and conditioning are a disturbing reality for many victims of trauma, sexual harassment, and abuse of power. The methods used by the perpetrator are often very subtle and manipulative in order to gain trust, compliance, and silence from their victims. In my case, the Chef used a variety of techniques to control me. He provided the usual excessive compliments and validation, created a safe space for me to confide in him, isolated me from my peers, and altered my perception of reality by making false claims about professional opportunities that would be available if I stayed in his favor – all while making it seem like he was doing it in order to help me achieve success. Like a cancer-sniffing service dog, The Chef could smell every single insecurity I had, so the lavish dinners, shopping trips, and expensive wine were all designed to cultivate dependency and make me look to him for emotional support and career guidance.
The Chef also used physical contact to establish a sense of familiarity between us, often booking hotel rooms, stealing a kiss, or grabbing whatever he felt belonged to him whenever he wanted. This technique is known as “cuddle-grooming”, where physical contact is used to create a false sense of comfort and security. This type of manipulation is especially dangerous because it can lead to victims feeling a false sense of trust towards the perpetrator, and serve as an entry point for further abuse.
Mixing the fear of getting caught with the sexual desire I felt for him was like a fucking drug, and I craved the high of his hands on my skin. The Chef was an emotional vampire who fed off my vulnerability – without it, he would have never been able to establish and maintain control over me. It may seem absurd that a woman could be manipulated in such a way but fear, while powerful, is often deceptively seductive. It creates an illusion of control and safety leading us to believe we must stay under the perpetrator’s thumb for our own protection. The Chef knew exactly how to take advantage of my fear, which allowed him to maintain a position of power and dominance in the relationship. His tactics of grooming and conditioning created an unhealthy power dynamic between us and in the end, I was left feeling confused, betrayed, and powerless – all qualities that The Chef wanted me to feel in order for him to maintain control over me.
How Naïveté Plays a Role – Analyzing What Makes it Difficult for People to Recognize the Signs of Exploitation
Once it begins, the process of grooming and exploitation can be difficult to identify and hard to escape. Why is this? Well, I believe it’s because we often underestimate the power of naïveté. We assume that if someone is educated and has had prior experiences with relationships or the workplace, then they should be able to recognize signs of abuse when they see them. But this isn’t always the case. I know I was guilty of underestimating my own level of naïveté; I assumed my 22 years of life experience meant that I could spot red flags a mile away (don’t roll your eyes, every 20-something-year-old thinks they are the smartest person in any room), but in reality, I was totally unprepared for the psychological warfare of grooming and manipulation. My lack of knowledge about boundaries and consent enabled me to stay in exploitative situations much longer than necessary. And I’m not alone in my experience – many women, especially those who are younger or new to a work environment, find themselves in similar situations without realizing it.
While naïveté stands out as one important factor, it’s not the only one. There is also a lot of pressure from society to “accomplish something” in order to gain recognition and success. It’s easy for ambitious women to overlook the signs of abuse because they don’t want to lose out on an opportunity that could help propel them forward in their careers. This can make it hard for them to recognize (or be willing to admit) when something isn’t healthy or safe, leading to longer periods of exploitation and a greater sense of powerlessness. Exploitation is an all-too-common occurrence and we need to take measures to protect ourselves and those around us.
Why do so many women feel compelled to keep quiet about their experiences? Unfortunately, this comes down to a lack of Psychological Safety. Women often face serious repercussions for speaking out or making bold moves that challenge the patriarchy. They are labeled as “troublemakers”, face career stagnation, and often experience personal attacks or public shaming from their peers. It is not uncommon for women to feel like they have no choice but to stay silent in order to protect their own physical and mental well-being. Unfortunately, this has resulted in a culture of silence where women are not given the space to speak up or have their experiences taken seriously.
The Scarlet Letter was Her Passport into Regions Where Other Women Dared Not Tread… Shame, Despair, Solitude!
The Chef didn’t operate alone. As much power as he exerted all over my blue dress, he was just a member of The Boy’s Club and not in charge of shit. The only person in charge was The Boss… History is rife with examples of individuals who have leveraged their power and authority to create oppressive, toxic work environments and The Boss was no different. His intelligence and tenacity were legendary in equal measure, but it was his tendency to use fear and intimidation as a means of control that earned him his nickname. He had an uncanny ability to make employees feel small, powerless, and voiceless – so much so that many felt unable to stand up for themselves or push back against anyone in his circle. All this made it difficult for people to recognize the signs of exploitation (especially if they were young or newly inducted) because they were too afraid of speaking out against him or risking their jobs. And it’s worth noting The Boss did not fucking like me. He knew The Chef was getting reckless and I was a liability.
I sealed my fate with The Boss when The Chef insisted that I meet up with him during a work trip out West. I jumped at the chance to wear a pretty party dress and be treated like a queen by someone other than the amazing and incredibly under appreciated man I had waiting for me at home. As it turns out, the trip was nothing more than a power play to gain control and sway me into submission. It was an illusion; I consumed so much alcohol that I passed out at a table in the hotel lobby and when he nudged me awake, I was way too fucking scared to say no or even push him away because of the power imbalance. The Chef was the industry powerhouse, and I was just a rookie. I also think it’s super fucking important to recognize that being drunk is not an excuse to be abused or taken advantage of, EVER. If anything, it should serve as a wake-up call to make sure you are protecting yourself from situations like this one. Naïveté can have disastrous consequences when exploited by someone powerful enough to take advantage of it.
I don’t even remember how I ended up in his shared hotel suite, but I do recall that it felt like a dream. The dream goes something like this; The Chef was sharing the room with The Boss, who was already not a fan of me or anything that could jeopardize The Boy’s Club and the power they held in our industry. The Boss then clearly failed to recognize the whole sock-on-the-door handle vibe, leading to him witnessing me being fucked, literally and figuratively. The dude was absolutely livid, and if his reasoning had been that this type of behavior shouldn’t be tolerated in any way, shape, or form, I would have totally understood and probably helped him make tee shirts expressing his disdain. But truth to be told, he was annoyed that he now had an issue to handle that involved my existence and that The Chef had committed adultery. That little tidbit was in direct contrast to the branding and years of image development that had gone into making the chef, The Chef. He was the poster child for everything great about the company and nothing was going to rock that boat. Nothing.
So, I drunkenly gathered my stuff and stumbled out of that hotel suite with a big ol’ scarlet letter on her chest. W for Whore. That W burned its way into my soul, altering an entire organization’s opinion of me, replacing any talent or ambition I had with hushed whispers about my appearance, my sexuality, and my efficacy as a leader. The Boss had successfully silenced me, and by extension, the hundreds of other women in our organization, sending a message that it was easier to just accept the status quo than to fight back against it. Being labeled a whore is tough but not career-ending but in a male-dominated industry, fighting it is often career suicide. That W is still etched into my memory, reminding me of the power imbalance between The Bos and me that day – an imbalance he used to sult shame and bully me into submission.
I spent the rest of my career under The Boss trying to convince everyone that I was a team player. I was the fun girl who could party til dawn, out-drink most humans, and perform at a high level without any credit, while also hitting all my targets. Sure I had a few annoying habits, like alcoholism disguised as an actual personality, or believing that my anger made me tough and untouchable not just a sad angsty teenager trapped in the body of an almost adult, or measuring my entire self-worth based on the titles and paychecks, but at the end of the day, my results spoke for themselves. I was very good at my job, but no matter how well I did or how hard I tried, The Boss made sure I remembered who I was… the trouble-making whore that proved time and time again to be too Hard to Manage.
I eventually moved on to another organization where I didn’t have to worry about being judged by anyone who knew what happened in that hotel room; however, it wasn’t until recently that I realized why this narrative still haunts me: Women often find themselves working extra hard just to fit in – spending hours finding ways to stay small and trying to prove that they are not a threat. And none of it works. That shit was exhausting and it took me a long time to realize that in reality, The Chef and The Boss had both taken something from me without my explicit consent – my power.
Finding Clarity in the Chaos
My experience is unfortunately not unique; women are often groomed and conditioned to keep quiet and accept mistreatment due to fear of social repercussions or lack of power in their positions. And Fun Fact! Grooming and conditioning are not limited to the workplace. Women face similar manipulation in personal relationships, as well. That’s right ladies. It’s every-fucking-where, and takes shape as gaslighting, fear mongering, and coercive control to keep female partners under their control. Women can sometimes be too trusting or naive when it comes to giving away power or saying yes to relationships that may not be healthy for them. But what is often overlooked is how much of this behavior is a result of years of socialization – from the media, society, and family members – which conditions us all to accept mistreatment as normal or even desirable. It’s easy to point fingers at perpetrators like The Chef, but we can’t ignore the way our culture reinforces and normalizes oppressive behavior as well.
It is important to recognize that these types of situations are far too common and can be damaging when not addressed properly. We all must speak up on behalf of those experiencing mistreatment, no matter what industry or occupation we come from. No one should have to endure this kind of treatment. At Hard to Manage, we believe that building a community of changemakers is the only way to make sure that these issues are discussed openly and respectfully. Organizations must learn how to listen better, take appropriate action against offenders, and prioritize the mental health needs of victims in order to foster an environment where everyone feels comfortable expressing their thoughts in a safe space.
Together we can cultivate an understanding culture and make it the norm to speak up when we see someone being mistreated and create space for those who have experienced similar situations. We need humans to understand that consent is not just a physical and tangible thing – it includes submitting to power dynamics, uncomfortable conversations, and unnecessary criticism. We need leaders who understand their influence and their impact on those working for them and we need a culture that prioritizes respect for everyone regardless of gender or any other form of identity. We must demand that those in charge take responsibility for their actions and that we no longer accept casual misogyny, sexism, or any other discrimination as the status quo.
