The Super Groper was my boss for a few years.  He had that sharp, useless look about him and as a bonus, he didn’t come around much so that worked for me.  He liked hearing the success stories, flying into town to wine and dine clients, taking the credit, and rolling out.  He was the quintessential Executive Vice President of Irrelevance.  He was completely removed from the operations front, his knowledge of the business extended as far as the financials, and even that was loose, and his impact on anything of value? Non-existent.  But at least he looked decent in a suit and had good Air Miles!  I deemed his lack of oversight as him having faith in my abilities and was willing to ignore the lingering hugs he gave that always ended with him running his hands down my back and resting them right above/on my ass, as long as he stayed in his fucking lane and let me do my thing and print money.  This is the same guy that has told multiple people that he prefers hiring women because he can get them on the cheap, so you know he’s a stand up dude.

At this point in my career, I knew who I was dealing with but after observing his hierarchy within the company, I was also aware that he was one of the untouchables.  That kind of power dynamic is the same in any industry, and it’s perpetuated by the idea that certain individuals are untouchable because they bring something to the table.  But it’s not just corporate America that allows this sort of thing to go unchecked.  In our society, men are rarely held accountable for their actions; it’s unfortunately become a part of the fabric of life and we have all just learned to accept it.  You know the type… Super fucking gross but the company moves them around on Epstein’s jet more often than Catholic Priests in the 80’s and nothing ever sticks to them. The fucking Teflon of sexual harassment and the antithesis of Psychological Safety.

What Were You Wearing?

During a trip for an industry event, The Super Groper met me in the hotel bar and told me while looking me up and down and biting his lip “No one that works for me should look like you.”  I was instantly defeated.  I spent so much time, energy, and effort picking out a dress that was not sexy, wouldn’t draw excessive attention, and would allow me to fly under his radar for the night.  The dress had a high neckline, a hemline that would have made the nuns at my grade school very proud, made of thick material that tried like hell not to hug my curves and had no defining features other than being black.

So how do you fend off an attack that is based solely on your physical appearance?  Turns out, ya don’t!  There’s no dress code for avoiding sexual harassment.  No matter how hard you try, it doesn’t prevent those with a predatory nature from crossing boundaries or making unwanted advances.  It’s fucking wild that the expected dress code for women in the workplace is often so different from that of men.  Women are expected to make more of an effort with their appearance and be mindful of not showing too much skin or wearing something too provocative.  As a result, we have become accustomed to making sure our clothing does not invite unwanted attention, yet it still never feels like enough. But, the reality is that no amount of clothing can protect you from sexual harassment and assault. Cause boys will be boys, am I right?!?!  Fuck whoever came up with that line.

He then stood up and proceeded to lay one of his lingering gross handsy hugs on me.  Sure, I was pissed and hurt but also completely aware that if I didn’t smile graciously, my career would become unnecessarily complicated.  Every single day, women are forced to navigate through a system that is designed against them because it has been established since birth that our worth comes from the male gaze and being attractive to men.  This statement alone exposes the deep-rooted sexism that exists in our society and allows for harassment and discrimination to remain unchecked and justified by “it’s just part life” or “she should have known better”.  Women shouldn’t be expected to tolerate or accept sexual harassment simply because they are women.

I didn’t skip a beat the whole night.  I told the jokes, made the sales pitch, and then cried myself to sleep in my hotel room.  It was finally clear to me just how powerless I was when it came to my career and that people’s perception of my looks will always dictate my fate.  I never wore that dress again either. Brand fucking new too.

You Gotta Stay Small to Stay Alive Babe!

My story is not special and your daughters are facing the same demoralizing behavior every day.  Don’t believe me?  You think they’ve figured out the shit we couldn’t?  How is that possible when we are passing down this bullshit complacency to them?  As a society, we have been teaching girls to stay small since they were born.  Remember the sense of freedom you felt as a little girl? Hair matted and wild, voice strained from howling at the moon?  We chased fireflies, put buttercups under our chins, and belly laughed til our faces hurt, but somewhere between learning to ride a bike and growing up, we lost that feeling of freedom.  Overnight, the rules changed and no more matted hair and moon howling.  Our belly laughs were replaced with reminders not to be too loud or outspoken, that having emotions makes us dramatic, and to take up the least amount of space possible in any room we enter.

We are instructed not to dress provocatively or risk being “dress-coded” or assaulted because “she was asking for it”, never be alone, don’t drink too much, and certainly don’t stay out late.  And if your life does not allow for you to be home, curled up on the couch in your blanket fortress of solitude and shoveling your favorite snack in your face before the sun goes down, we are then taught to walk with our keys grasped between our fingers in case we need to use them as a makeshift and very stabby set of brass knuckles.  Oh!  And make sure to have the correct key out and ready before you get to your door so your brass knuckles are both stabby and functional as actual keys.  Let’s not even get started on parking garages people, cause that’s a whole nother set of rules.  We stop to pretend to make a phone call or otherwise occupy ourselves so they can pass in front of us when someone is walking closely behind us on the street and we will even walk past our destination particularly if it’s our home if someone has been trailing us for a while and scope out potential safe havens if someone appears.

We have been taught that no is only half of a sentence and that Psychological Safety does not exist for women.  Not a single human has ever taught me to be loud and proud in the face of sexual harassment.  We are so consumed with being likable and trying to avoid offending or provoking a negative reaction that we forget to say “no” without explanation or apology and that it is always a full fucking sentence.  The list goes on and on, but the point is that as women, we are constantly putting ourselves down to make everyone else feel more comfortable.  We twist our tongues around words like “sorry” and “excuse me” before saying anything remotely assertive.  We laugh at jokes that aren’t funny just to be polite or smile even when something has been said that makes us uncomfortable.  It’s not right, it’s not fair, but it’s a reality of the world we live in… for now.  It’s time we start teaching girls from a young age how to be powerful, confident, and secure in their power.  Give them the space to take risks and make mistakes while teaching boys to respect not resent that power and autonomy.

So, What Now? And After that?

We need to make sure our next generation of young women knows that their voices matter and to never apologize for existing.  Give them the power and platform to break the cycle and teach them how to stand up for themselves, speak out against injustice, and be the powerful people they were born to be.  We have a responsibility to ensure that we pass on positive behaviors, not negative ones meant to condition us so that our children can grow up in a world where everyone is treated with respect and dignity.  While it’s important to be aware of our surroundings and always look out for one another, it’s equally important to make sure that we are teaching, not just talking.  We need to teach every little girl that perfection is a curated line of bullshit, it’s ok to make mistakes, and that she should never be afraid to fail – because failure is an essential part of success.  Help her find mentors so she has someone she can look up to who understands where she comes from.  Show her how powerful words can be and remind her that during difficult conversations; the most important word is “no”.

It’s time to start creating an environment of psychological safety for young women and to help them navigate the world with power and confidence. We owe it to ourselves, to our daughters, and to generations yet-to-come. It’s time we break our silence and make sure everyone is heard — no matter who they are. By making sure our young girls grow up in an environment where psychological safety is a given, we can make sure that the next generation will never have to go through what so many of us did before them. They should be able to hold their power their whole lives without having to fight for scraps of it every day like the rest of us.

The answer isn’t a one size fits all solution but it starts with us changing the narrative and ensuring girls know they have the right to stand up for themselves and their beliefs, be courageous, and strive for greatness – even if it makes people uncomfortable. By rewriting the story from one of perfection to one of bravery we can create an environment and culture of respect and understanding in our organizations, classrooms, and communities and with leaders that take responsibility for creating an inclusive environment where everyone feels seen, respected, and safe enough to be their authentic selves.

And by shifting our current culture from one of quiet acceptance and tolerance towards one of Psychological Safety we can give the next generation of young people the confidence and support they need to reach their full potential – regardless of their gender. We know that it’s not enough to just talk about creating an environment of psychological safety – we need to actively work towards it. This means that we need to lead by example and make sure that our own actions, words, and behaviors are in line with what we want for the future.  Nothing changes, if nothing changes and we need to listen to young people’s perspectives, provide them with growth opportunities, and support them when they take risks. Lastly, we must ensure that the environment is safe enough for young people to be themselves without fear of judgment or repercussions – because only then can an environment of Psychological Safety truly exist.